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Calling All Degenerates
I’ll admit it. Reviewing EJ was a lot of fun. In fact, I had so much fun skewering that self important little bastard, that when someone else offered me cold hard cash to review them, I couldn’t hit...
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American Idol Contestant Sings a Song About Child Molestation
A couple of nights ago, I was thumbing through the channels on my TV set when, resigned and bored, I briefly settled on American Idol. A contestant, whose name I do not know because I don’t actually...
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Childhood: Then and Now
When I was a little kid, my parents pushed me out the front door every day. “Come back when the streetlights come on,” they said. Oftentimes, my 3 year old brother was sent out with me to tagalong. Of...
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In Defense of my Mother
I had intended to write a couple of follow up articles to Childhood: Then and Now, but something terrible happened. That damn article made it to the front page of reddit and got hundreds of comments....
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How to Get Out of a Traffic Ticket
Two things happen to bullies when they grow up: they either become drug dealers or they become police officers. Which field the bully ultimately goes into depends largely on whether or not his parents...
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I Am Not Your Fucking Honey.
I lost the password to my stats a long time ago, so I honestly don’t know if anyone still reads this thing. Like most monkeys, I need an audience to watch me dance. Otherwise, what’s the point? I might...
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How to Control Your Temper
“I used to have a really bad temper. Seriously, it was really bad.” My colleagues initially blow me off. “Yeah. Right.” “No I’m serious!” I insist, “I used to have a very short fuse. The kind of short...
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Happily Ever After?
I think I’m out of stories. All I have left are images. Bright little flashes of emotions that dance in the peripheral of my vision. They seem significant to me, but I have no context to put them in...
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Modern Day Indentured Servitude v.s. VAruca Salt
What is the only difference between a Modern Day American Indentured Servant (MDAIS) and VAruca Salt? Simple. VAruca’s mummy and daddy didn’t have to borrow money to pay for all of VAruca’s ridiculous...
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What, Me Vote?
Romney or Obama? The elections. Yard signs, headlines, commercials, blogs, propagandists and pundits. It’s impossible to avoid. I’ve been wondering why people are taking any of it seriously. Is this...
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Marriage is a Series of Peaks and Valleys
I went hiking today and on my way home, I decided to stop by a gas station and grab myself a bottle of diet pepsi. In the middle of the afternoon, during the week, is typically a very slow time for a...
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Crazy Woman Stabs Tire; Results Not as Planned
Last night, at around midnight, I decided to go to the bank. This is not unusual for me considering I have multiple bank accounts for multiple purposes. If I had my druthers, I’d keep all my money in...
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Formula For Calculating the Profitability of a Rental Property
Someone asked me what my formula is when calculating the profitability of a rental property, so I thought I’d post it. But before I do that, I just want to take a minute to disclaim that there are...
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Don’t Treat Your Employers Better Than They Treat You
Exactly one year after working at the Worst Job I Ever Had, I took my one week paid vacation. I hated that job so much I couldn’t even wait a couple of days to plan a trip. I snatched at the vacation...
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I’m Sick Of Political Correctness
I’m sick of political correctness. I’m sick of wondering if the term African American is the only one available to me or is it ok to call someone a ‘black guy.’ I’m sick of covertly wording a sentence...
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Have You Ever Had a Friend Urinate in Your Bed? I Have.
When I was in college, Erica Lynn was one of my best girlfriends. Erica Lynn was a fun girl and we often went bar hopping together. Sometimes, when she got sloppy drunk, she’d lose control of her...
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How Not To Be a Fat Fuck
Anyone who suggests that I absolve people of personal responsibility in losing weight hasn’t been reading my site long enough. Look, I know it’s possible to lose weight without a lot of money. I know...
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Diary of a Teenage Runaway
I’m standing in the middle of my cheap, already furnished, efficiency apartment that sits on a busy street just a few miles from the ocean. There’s a cop standing in front of me. He’s got broad...
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How To Be A Girl Bully
When I was in elementary school, I was a bit of a tom boy. I spent every recess ignoring the gaggle of girls gathered by the monkey bars in favor of a sweaty game of soccer with the boys. To me, boys...
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Two Phrases That Destroyed American Culture
Every time I promise myself that I will work on controlling my temper, I always end up making a scene. This time, it wasn’t my fault. All I wanted was a bagel. A bagel, a cup of coffee, and perhaps a...
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